the d word

5 Jun

I’m depressed.  I hate to admit it.  It kills me to type this.

And yet I must.

I need to say it, if for no other reason than just to own it.

I’m not blue, I’m not “down”, I’m depressed.  And it hurts worse than any physical pain I’ve ever endured.  (And remember, I’m a person who knows what it feels like to have 800mv of electricity run through my body.)

It is a deep, surrounding, all-encompassing pain.  It clouds my view.  It suffocates my lungs.  It strangles me with the unrelenting squeeze of it’s power.

I gasp for air but find none.  I rub my eyes, but I cannot clear them.  I rage against the stranglehold but I cannot release it.

I panic, I cry, I scream, I toss and turn.  All in vain.  Nothing seems to ease the darkness.  Nothing lifts the heaviness from my chest.

I must get better.  I must.  I must.

But I can’t.

It has me, and it won’t let go.

 

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One Response to “the d word”

  1. Stephanie June 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    Ok…So, typically this would be the time to deluge your world with “it’ll-get-betters” and “you’re-strong-enough-so-don’t-give-up” and (albeit it COMPLETELY true:) “God-is-there-even-if-you-don’t-know-it”.

    But instead of all that nonsense, I’m just going to say this:

    Your courage to simply state such an enormously vulnerable truth is amazing. Life sucks. Big time. And no one, not even the people under your roof, understand what you’re going through. And there are times you probably don’t understand it either.

    And it sucks to be someone who cares about you and know there is nothing I can do to help. And there are many “someone”‘s reading your blog, and following your struggles on facebook.

    So, for now, I will keep my encouraging quips to myself and pray from afar….just know I am here WHENEVER you are ready to talk; sitting on the shore with a big martini-in-hand waiting to be there for you!

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