Failing

6 Mar

I’m failing my child.  My precious child, whose brain is a mess and who needs me to be there for her, hot or cold, day or night, easy or hard.  I’m failing her.

Private school failed her.

Public school failed her.

Two months in residential treatment failed her.

And now I’m failing her.

I brought her home where it was safe, where I was sure she would blossom and mature within the unshakeable walls of our house.  I thought if I tucked her under my wing she could finally relax and face the world again.  I thought I could make it happen with sheer love and determination, if nothing else.

But I’m failing her.

She’s just as miserable now as she’s ever been.  The words she hurls at me are so painful, they blast right through my maternal armor.  Seeing her unwillingness to even TRY to do the right thing is as disheartening a picture as I’ve ever known.  She’s a one-woman army; ready to take down any and all who would so much as suggest that she do things a different way.

Is it possible that I’ll never get to her heart?  That I’ll never win her over to what’s good and true and right?

Is it possible that I’ll have to keep fighting this miserable battle every day?  What if my heart gives out?  I feel it going, with every spiteful word and every oppositional moment.  My heart is growing weaker and my optimism dwindles and I can’t see the light and I’m so very tired.

So, so tired.

This wilderness is dark and painful and just about the time a tiny light sneaks through the trees the shadows overcome it and we’re back in the cold grey where we started; foraging for some kind of nutrition for our hungry souls, hunting desperately for hope, thrashing through the ugly weeds that tie us down.

It’s not for lack of trying.  My god, I’m trying, with every bit of energy I can muster.  I find food, but it doesn’t satisfy.  I kill the weeds, but they grow back twice as thick.  I see a glimmer of hope, but it is dashed in a heartbeat.

Fail.

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Failing”

  1. msureed March 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

    yes, its possible you may never reach her heart in the way you imagine: BUT, THAT IS OKAY!!! You need to find your own happiness. Sometimes, that’s the best we can do. Hard, but true.

    Love you!!!
    meg

  2. Donna March 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    You are not failing her. Her disease is. You love her and are giving up parts of you to give to her. You are a wonderful mom, a great homeschooler and you will persevere. This is 3 months in, and the newness wore off. Don’t give up and give in, continue to look at options that may help you. Be sure to talk to other moms support group for mom with kids like her, and for homeschooling disabilities. You can do it! This is the best option for her. Remember you don’t have to follow strict “school” guidelines, take some time off to unschool too! I would highly suggest a “year round” schedule for you so you can have as many unschooling days as schooling days. You can do it! You are a strong woman!

  3. Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:47 pm #

    You have not failed anything. This is a job for a village. You have done everything you can do and then some more. Your heart is in the right place.

  4. Tracey March 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    You’re not failing her. Satan has a hold and you’re in a showdown. Keep up the fight. She’s in there and she needs you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: