Fear

7 Nov

I am an optimist, but I am living with alot of fear right now.  When I boil it all down, it’s fear of failure.  Fear that we have failed her, which makes us failures ourselves.  Fear that she will be a failure.

It is so hard for me to be hopeful about our future.  The research is grim.  Teens with ADHD are 2-4 times more likely to have a car accident, twice as likely to have abused alcohol in the last six months, and three times more likely to abuse drugs other than marijuana.  They are 10 times more likely to get pregnant, and 400% more likely to contract an STD. 

You can see why I’m scared.

Compounding the issue, Sweet Pea has a lot more going on than just ADHD.  She has a significant problem with mood regulation, meaning she reacts to and exhibits her emotions inppropriately.  She has also developed almost paralyzing anxiety (which looks like defiance…go figure).  She does not have many friends, because 10 year olds aren’t likely to be oh-so-patient with a kid who is this different.

And then there’s our marriage.  Hubs and I are under immense pressure at home.  The air is toxic and it is hard to breathe.  We are working daily to keep our relationship healthy but it is nearly impossible sometimes.  The research supports this:  Married couples with a child with ADHD are twice as likely to divorce by the time the child is 8 years old than couples who do not have a child with ADHD.  The stress Sweet Pea brings to our home is incalculable.  It’s also highly unpredictable, so disappointment often hits us when we least expect it.  We make a plan, it fails, we feel like failures, we get angry, we yell, we go to our corners and calm down until it starts again.

Those of you who know me and Hubs are probably thinking “but y’all are so great together…you know God has a plan for y’all…if anyone can make it, you can…”

Let me be clear.  It is my opinion that no matter how perfect, no matter how prepared, no matter how supported, no matter how faithful, no matter whatever, we are not equipped to withstand this pressure.  It is a daily battle so painful I can hardly stand it.  I have tied my rope and I’m hanging on, but there’s not much that is helping at this point.  It is like having a child with cancer and the chemo isn’t working.  And then knowing that there’s no end, because the cancer isn’t going to kill her, it’s just going to ravage her life.  Yes, there are moments of hope, moments when the meds seem to be working, but it always rears its ugly head again.  And again.  And again.

I realize that research isn’t everything, and that she could defy the odds.  I have said it before and I’ll say it again.  WHEN God decides to work a miracle, she will get better.  I believe He can do it, and for whatever reason He is choosing not to.  I’m mad, and He knows it.  I still trust Him.  He knows that too.

Until then, it’s back to the foxhole. 

*****************************************************************************************************************************

BTW, if you didn’t watch this clip yesterday, it perfectly describes my battle with fear right now.  The girl is portraying the fearful; the guy is her fear.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po417XoP0O0

 

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9 Responses to “Fear”

  1. meg November 7, 2009 at 3:59 pm #

    And don’t forget the fear of judgement. Then again, that’s a whole ‘nother post! I don’t know what to say to who about what is going on. Sure, people are all smiles to your face (or hers), but will they still let their children play with her when she gets home? What do they think of me? I feel like there is judgement everywhere. I have failed and they are judging. It hurts because I have a very sick little girl and I don’t know what choices are right and who will even still understand what we are going through.

  2. meg November 7, 2009 at 4:00 pm #

    And P.S. Congrats…. you are 3/3!

  3. Darla November 7, 2009 at 11:02 pm #

    Keep it up Katy. I think writing it down is a good outlet. 🙂

  4. Leanne November 8, 2009 at 12:00 am #

    Appreciate you sharing honestly and not wearing a mask as most people do. Love and miss all of you.

  5. Barb November 8, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    My heart breaks for you, precious friend. I will stand by you no matter what.

  6. Jenny November 8, 2009 at 10:05 pm #

    I’m glad you’re back to writing! I’ve taken a blogging hiatus myself and don’t know if I’ll ever get back, but I still enjoy reading others’ blogs. I’m so impressed with your courage in sharing the not-so-pretty details of life with a “special” child. While our children are different ages with different diagnoses, I can still SO RELATE to your words. Your fear, your marriage challenges, your frustrations are all very familiar. I wish you still lived in Houston b/c I would love to get together with someone who understands!

  7. Tracey November 9, 2009 at 9:10 am #

    I’m so glad your back to writing. My heart is breaking knowing the pain you’re in but knowing you’re writing makes it a little better knowing that you’re not completely disconnected from people that care and support you. I find Marianne Williamson so eloquent in her words and hope that you can find some comfort from God in them.

    Healing Prayer by Marianne Williamson
    Dear God,
    Be my redeemer, my internal teacher, my divine physician.
    Thank You for your presence in my life.

    I surrender to You all I am, all I think, all I feel, and all I have.
    I recognize in this moment that Yours is the power to heal and make whole.
    You who have the power to work miracles,
    You who rule time and space, please take me in Your arms and hold me.

    Dear Lord, please lift me up and heal me.
    Cast out of my mind all thoughts that are not of You.
    Cast out of me all harsh and critical nature.
    Cast out of me all violence and all anger.
    Cast out of me all demons from my past.
    For I would be made new.

    I wish to walk so close to You that we might be as one.
    I ask for new life, new mind, new body, new spirit.
    Dear God, please come into me and release me from this pain.

    Amen.

  8. Tracey November 9, 2009 at 11:31 am #

    I hope you find some comfort soon for all your pain. Your family continues to be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep writing!! Your honesty is inspiring and heartbreaking. I found this prayer by Marianne Williamson who always seems to have a way with words…

    Healing Prayer by Marianne Williamson

    Dear God,
    Be my redeemer, my internal teacher, my divine physician.
    Thank You for your presence in my life.

    I surrender to You all I am, all I think, all I feel, and all I have.
    I recognize in this moment that Yours is the power to heal and make whole.
    You who have the power to work miracles,
    You who rule time and space, please take me in Your arms and hold me.

    Dear Lord, please lift me up and heal me.
    Cast out of my mind all thoughts that are not of You.
    Cast out of me all harsh and critical nature.
    Cast out of me all violence and all anger.
    Cast out of me all demons from my past.
    For I would be made new.

    I wish to walk so close to You that we might be as one.
    I ask for new life, new mind, new body, new spirit.
    Dear God, please come into me and release me from this pain.

    Amen.

  9. Amy Seay November 16, 2009 at 12:05 pm #

    Katy,
    That video. Wow! Made me cry. It was so beautiful and emotional. I wish I was closer to you and could visit and chat. Hang in there! I love you!

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