Silence

5 Nov

My friend Meg has challenged me to start writing again.  Apparently it’s National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) and the challenge is to write one post a day. 

Let me tell you how hard this is. 

I have started this particular post five times, and each time I write something I delete it.  I have so much to say and I can’t say any of it.

I am angry.  I’m hurting.  I’m scared.  Every day is so full of emotion that I’m numb. 

She is mine.

Mine forever.

But this isn’t what I signed up for. 

“Oh, you’re so incredible for adopting a child… It takes a special person to adopt…You’ll be wonderful parents…”

I am not a wonderful parent.  I am a parent who is just barely getting by each day.  She is in so much pain, and so are we.  It is literally tearing us apart.  I love her more than words can say, but my love isn’t enough right now.  She needs consistency and structure (but not too much) and WHERE is that happy medium??  We can’t find it.  She rebels against almost everything we say and do, but at night she wants to sleep curled up next to me because she can’t be alone. 

It’s not fair.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  It’s NOT fair.  NO ONE should have to go through mental illness.  It is a horrible disease with a stigma so strong that I don’t feel like I can even talk about it. 

I can’t talk about it.

I want to, but I can’t.

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6 Responses to “Silence”

  1. WG November 5, 2009 at 9:36 pm #

    I don’t have anything useful to say, but I wanted to encourage the writing — it helps. At least for me, it does.

  2. Darla Baerg November 6, 2009 at 12:40 am #

    I don’t know what to say except that I am so sorry. So very, very sorry. I hate it with you and for you! I know this is heartbreaking.

    Love,
    D

  3. Cathy November 6, 2009 at 10:43 am #

    One correction… You ARE a wonderful parent. You are a wonderful parent, who ALSO is just barely getting by each day because of a difficult, painful situation. Fortunately or unfortunately, those 2 things are not mutually exclusive. Thinking of and praying for you and Sweet Pea. Hang in there, Funny Girl!

  4. Julie November 6, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    Write, write, write. Please keep writing. I hear this pain from so many parents. There is shame, embarassment, stigma, guilt…and they don’t feel like they can share with anyone. Abigail IS lucky to have you and Lane. Of course you are barely getting by- you are in an impossibly hard situation and you are in pain for your daughter and for your family. It is okay to struggle and hurt and be angry and be sad and grieve the loss of what you wanted for your life and for Abigail’s life and not know what to do next. You are such an incredible parent. You have held it together in circumstances where most parents would have lost it. You and Lane and Abigail are so loved.
    Hang in there, sweet mom.

  5. Kelly November 6, 2009 at 3:48 pm #

    K,
    All I kept thinking as I read your post is, “What if Sweet Pea was with another family?” and that made me shudder. Thank God she is with you and not another family! I think you know that too. As a teacher I unfortunately see a lot of parents who make really poor decisions when it comes to their children, and they don’t seem to care. She’s lucky, no blessed beyond belief, to have you guys for parents, and you both are shaped into even more amazing people because of the difficulties you face every day. You know better than any of us what an amazing little girl she is. That’s joy.

  6. anymommy November 15, 2009 at 7:54 pm #

    I’m catching up. I’m SO sorry it’s taken me so long to stop by. I still love you. I know how much you love her. I know how hard it is. You write what you can, when you can. I’m reading. I’m thinking of you.

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