Life is Pandemonium

23 Sep

I can’t write.

I go to sleep at night composing blogs, but when my fingers hit the keyboard they freeze.

It’s too painful, it’s a mess, it doesn’t make sense…it certainly doesn’t fit together neatly into one little blog.

Her brain is so sick.  And the new medicine isn’t working.  I lost count a long time ago of how many different meds we’ve tried.  Some don’t work at all, some work for a while and then quit working…this newest one threw her into a complete tailspin.  She’s up and down and all over the place -at home, at school… The psychiatrist said to stop the med and let it get out of her system before we start something new.  So that’s 48 hours of sheer torture.  No telling what she’s going through at school right now.  I stayed home today so that I could get bring her home if things got really bad.  So far so good, but there’s still an hour to go…

And the timing of all this couldn’t be worse.  I’m in rehearsal every evening, so hubs is on duty for the worst part of the day.  Bless his heart.  He’s hanging in there like a champ but the reality of her illness is taking its toll and I feel so guilty for leaving them.  I realize theater is my job, and we need the paycheck, but there’s not much comfort in that when I’m driving away each night.

I say a line in my play that keeps going through my mind:  “Exactly, Sylvia.  That’s not the life I want for my daughter.”

This isn’t the life I want for her. 

And yet there’s nothing I can do about it.

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3 Responses to “Life is Pandemonium”

  1. WG September 24, 2009 at 9:46 pm #

    I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. It just sucks. Wish I had something more useful to offer…

  2. Heather of the EO September 29, 2009 at 2:40 pm #

    I’m sorry. You’re going through so much. I really do wish there were a magical wand fix.

    Peace…

  3. anymommy October 5, 2009 at 6:45 pm #

    I love you. Maybe you think that’s crazy since we’ve only “met” here, but I do and I know your pain and I wish I could give you and your husband a day off. A week! XO.

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