Great Expectations

28 Aug

I am having a hard time pressing the *publish* button.  This is as brutally honest as I’ve ever been, and I’m very hesitatant to put it out there.  But this is what’s on my heart and in my mind, and maybe by publishing I’ll get some relief.  Please don’t feel obligated to comment; there really isn’t anything anyone can say that will make this any better. 

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Well, I’ve done it to myself again.  I spent the last month of the summer gearing us up for a GREAT school year…”Honey, you’re going to love fifth grade – new teacher, new books, and science!!  This year you get to do SCIENCE!!!  And you’ll have different friends in your class so you can start fresh.  Isn’t it GREAT???” 

No mom, it isn’t great.  Now can you stop talking so I can hear the Disney channel?  Thanks.

But I didn’t hear her.  I just kept repeating myself over and over in as many fun, enthusiastic ways as I could come up with…surely with enough encouragement and prayer and preparation I could MAKE this a great year, right??

Wrong.  Wrong-o.  Wring-wrang-WRONG.

She started Monday morning:  cute outfit, stylish bookbag, accessories galore, and a yummy lunch…with cookies. A whole bag of mini Oreos, for pete’s sake!   I mean, what more could a kid want?  But 3:00 rolls around and she rounds the corner  unleashing the fury that is some manner of demon, disguised as my tween.  NOTHING went right.  NO friends.  NO fun.  And it’s HOT.  “At school?”  No mom.  Geez.  It’s hot outside!!  Duh.

Oy vey.

Every afternoon it’s been the same, and she doesn’t even have homework yet.  I can only imagine the joy that will fill our household next Monday at 3:00, when she has a bag full of math and spelling to do after school.

Here’s the thing:  I shouldn’t be surprised.  This happens every year.  EVERY year.  And yet I still expect that if I meet her with a smile and a plateful of cookies she’ll come in the door with a smile and a hug and tell me all about her day.  I think if I can just encourage her enough, speak enough postitive words, set her up for success and not failure, then things will change.  She’ll magically turn into that kid.  But it’s just never gonna happen, is it? 

Because that’s not my kid.  My kid is struggling.  Struggling to be ANYTHING but angry at the world, angry at me, angry at hubs.  She’s ticked, and she’s having a hard time getting past it.  And it’s ugly…two-year-old-tantrum-ugly.  Beelzebub ugly. 

Why her, God? 

 Why us?

Much of the reason I haven’t written this summer is that although I sometimes write from a place of pain, there is usually plenty of hope mixed in.    But I’m losing hope.  I am convinced that she could get better if God chose to work a miracle, and He’s just not choosing to do that right now.  For whatever reason, and believe me I have NO idea what that reason could be, He is choosing to let us walk through this wilderness.  It hurts.  It’s lonely. It’s just plain miserable.

Honestly I don’t know how much more we can take. 

Our great expectations are turning into dashed dreams.

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5 Responses to “Great Expectations”

  1. meg August 28, 2009 at 7:41 pm #

    Thank you for publishing exactly how I’ve been feeling. It doesn’t make the problem go away, but it sure helps knowing I’m not alone in going through the same thing. Someone I can talk to who knows EXACTLY what I’m feeling and how much it totally sucks. Keep the faith and the hope alive (and the mojitos at hand). Love you!

  2. Julie August 30, 2009 at 4:11 pm #

    It was very brave of you to post this. It is hard, as parents, when so much is simply out of our hands. Abigail is going to grow up and appreciate all you and Lane have done for her. Hang in there- I’m sorry it hurts.

  3. Allison August 30, 2009 at 7:25 pm #

    *hugs*

  4. Tracey August 31, 2009 at 6:01 pm #

    I second the hugs. Sorry y’all have been struggling so much. I hated school. Hated. I always felt like I had to study more and work harder than everyone else. I wasn’t the cute girl or the friendly one or the outgoing one. Not the smart one or the talented one. I couldn’t memorize things easily or catch on to things fast. But I did like swimming and I was good at it and that somehow made things bearable. Of course maybe it was because I could do that on my own and there wasn’t a whole lot of talking involved. Just the rhythmic back and forth of my arms and breathing. I hope she finds something that she loves too and can make it through. Does she like to read, write, paint, dance, soccer? Good luck. I will be praying.

  5. anymommy September 5, 2009 at 4:05 pm #

    I missed you too, I kept watching for you and it was so much fun to see you pop back into my comments. I’m sorry your baby girl is struggling, I know how rough anger is on parents. It’s the absolute hardest emotion to parent. It’s so hard to stay calm, to not react with anger, to be positive about anything. I hope you’ll write here throughout this year so we can walk it with you.

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