Let it Flow, Let it Flow, Let it Flow

11 Dec

Tomorrow’s the big day.  The old colonoscopy.  Oh that is good times, my friends.  And if you haven’t had the pleasure, I’m going to give you a little taste of the bliss that is a giant scope shoved up your ***.

Kidding, only kidding. 

The truth is I’ve been there, done that.  I’ll be sound asleep thanks to better living through chemistry (aka DRUGS) and I’m not worried at all.

The worst part is NOT what they do at the hospital.  The worst part is the day before.  And that, my dear sweet friends, is where you find me now.  Waiting on the storm to hit.  I thought about trying to blog the experience (if I had a laptop it would be more doable) but Dave Barry recently wrote a piece that really captures the sheer joy that is a bowel prep.  You can read the whole article here (believe me, you’ll want to!) but here is a little excerpt.  *WARNING:  Put down the Diet Coke before reading.*

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ”MoviPrep,” which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes — and here I am being kind — like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ”a loose watery bowel movement may result.” This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ”What if I spurt on Andy?” How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

I know what you’re thinking.  That sounds so fun!  Why don’t I ever get to do really cool stuff like that?  I wish I was Funny Girl, if only for today. 

Sorry kids.  This one’s all me.  I’ve gathered my reading materials, and I’ve moved the dvd/karaoke player into the bathroom.  (Because I might want to grab the mic later for a little 2am I Will Survive.)  It’s all good.

In true Funny Girl style, I leave you with a song.  And since it’s going to be stuck in your head for the rest of the day, do me a favor and send me little happy vibes everytime you find yourself humming a line.

Oh the rumbling in there is starting

And I find that I am farting 

 I really do need to go (NOW!)

 Let it flow, Let it flow, Let it flow.

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8 Responses to “Let it Flow, Let it Flow, Let it Flow”

  1. Vaniqua December 11, 2008 at 2:41 pm #

    You weren’t shi***’ (oh wait, you REALLY are!). That was a fabulous blog.

  2. Spring @ Forever Spring December 11, 2008 at 7:44 pm #

    I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    ROFL!!!

    Just wanted to say–I hope everything comes out okay 🙂
    LOL

  3. Jenny December 12, 2008 at 11:26 am #

    Oh my gosh, that was hilarious!!! Sorry to be laughing so hard at your expense! Hope it’s not too, too awful!

  4. Marinka December 12, 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    I hope that everything went well! I’ve had a colonoscopy before and the prep sucks.

  5. Barb December 12, 2008 at 9:35 pm #

    So how did it go??

  6. Patrick December 12, 2008 at 11:11 pm #

    I hope it went well. You know that everything works out in the end. Here’s hoping your end worked out well!

  7. Cindy December 13, 2008 at 12:32 pm #

    Was in the same place about two weeks agogogo!
    I had the privilege of also having the endoscopy:)
    So much fun to be had by all ~ especially the nurses and doctor when it was over and all I wanted to know was: Do you own the whole building Doctor B? What was I thinking? Oh yeah – I wasn’t. Hope it all went ok for you!!!

  8. Kimberlee December 17, 2008 at 1:30 pm #

    I’m pretty sure I’ll have one someday…cut and print..

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