For Women Only…Part Two

18 Sep

IF YOU ARE A MAN YOU NEED TO CLOSE THIS BLOG NOW.  DO NOT READ FURTHER.

No really, Dad, we can never go back, so close it.  I’m serious.  Your curiosity may kill you, but that will be a less painful experience than reading this VERY FEMALE story. 

Okay, is it just the girls now?

Really?

*********************************

(That line of stars is just to make sure there are NO MEN still reading this post.  Consider yourself warned.)

Okay, here we go.  This one’s a doozy.

Last week I needed to go to the dentist for a cleaning.  My dentist is right next door to the place where I get waxed, so I called ahead to set up an appointment for my eyebrows and bikini wax.

While I was at the dentist, they noticed a spot where an old sealant had apparently fallen out.  So my dentist, a very nice guy whose parents happen to own the liquor store by my house (I don’t know why that makes me happy, but it does) says that he’ll just fill it real quick.  “No need for Novacaine.  This won’t hurt a bit.”

At this point I should explain that until last January I hadn’t been to the dentist in probably 6 or 7 years.  It had slowly become a paralyzing fear for me.  Something about the sound of the drill mixed with an episode of Alias where Sydney got tortured by these guys who pulled her teeth out for not telling her true identity.  (Remember??)  But this year I finally got over my fear.  How?  Drugs.  My dentist does “sedation dentistry” which translated means “You take a little blue pill and a really nice nap and then you wake up and your teeth are fixed and you don’t even have a hangover.”  Better living through chemistry.

Back to last Thursday.  He says “No need for Novacaine.  This won’t hurt a bit.”  And I say “REALLY????”  And he assures me it will be fine.  So I take a deep breath and let them stick that darn bite in my mouth and he starts drilling.  Only the spot was actually deeper than anticipated.  I almost came off the chair before he was finished.  But he did it, and I survived.  One filling, no Novacaine.  Check.

I go next door, still a bit shaky from the trauma, and get comfortable on the waxing table.  She did my eyebrows, and my lip (good lord, it hurts to get your lip waxed!) and then we started to discuss the bikini wax.  Because I’m doing a show with lots of quick changes, I decided I wanted the whole “front” waxed off.  Do you get my meaning?  No need to go between the legs, just wax off the front.  To which she says, “Why not just do the whole thing?”  Um, because I’m not in the mood for the pain and the awkwardness, etc., etc.  And then she talks me into it.  I’ve done it before, I just wasn’t planning on it for this particular day.  But she sells me on the sugaring and before I know it I’m laying there frog-legged getting my cooch waxed.  OW!!  It hurts.  Hurts bad.  Hurts real bad.  I’ve already been too graphic with this post, but if you’ve done it you know there’s not a nook or cranny that goes unscathed in this process.  Holy Mother Of All That Is Good In The World.  What was I thinking?

After we finished THAT I decided that I deserved a pedicure.  Right??  So I got a beautiful shade of plum on my tootsies just in time for fall.  I sat in that massage chair and let all my worries go down the drain of that little foot tub.  It was good. 

But not quite good enough to make up for getting a filling without drugs and then a Brazilian all in one hour.  That’s an hour I’ll never get back.

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9 Responses to “For Women Only…Part Two”

  1. Andrea's Sweet Life September 18, 2008 at 2:03 pm #

    Yowza! You really DID deserve that pedicure.

    My post for today is ALSO about the bikini wax – although I didn’t go for the brazilian (this time).

    http://blog.sweetlifesite.com/2008/09/17/the-bikini-wax-exposed.aspx

  2. Julie September 19, 2008 at 7:16 pm #

    Oh, my stars!!! Are you out of your ever loving mind, girl??!! Here’s my pain threshold…I would have insisted on the dentist giving me a Novacaine shot and would have asked for a little topical something to bring with me next door for the waxing session!! Ouch!! My eyes watered just reading about it!!

  3. Anika September 20, 2008 at 1:05 pm #

    I would NEVER be brave enough to get a filling without freezing! You are brave. I practically have to be promised Novacaine just to sit in the chair … Although, my dentist doesn’t own a liquor store …

  4. val September 20, 2008 at 7:01 pm #

    cracks me up!!!! ok – first, i’m gonna ignore the whole waxing tale (or should i say tail – get it? bad.) canNOT go there….but laffing as i avoided my dentist for years after i watched the nypd blue episode where jimmy smits died after getting an infection after going to the dentist!!! crrraaazzy.

    love, love, love catching up on the blog! as always, there’s stuff that makes me laff out loud, stuff that makes my heart a little blue & stuff that always makes me go “yay friend!!” thanks for all of it!

  5. iMommy September 22, 2008 at 5:00 pm #

    I made the mistake of booking my spa therapies in the wrong order recently… Pregnancy massage, then hair cut, then full brazilian for the first time EVER (like as in, first time waxing anything ever!) and then pedicure.

    LoL.

    I wrote a post detailing the experience, too… and still? I think I’ll go back. It was nice not to have to do any extra maintenance.

  6. The Introvert September 23, 2008 at 3:07 pm #

    I had my one and only Brazilian right before my wedding. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so while I knew it wouldn’t be fun, I figured it would be fine. I forgot that I’d been tanning and was still a little bulb burned from a couple of days before. Holy Mother of God. I wanted to cry. It hurt sooo bad. All I could think was, I SOOOO BETTER GET LAID ON MY WEDDING NIGHT!

    I just shave now.

  7. anymommy September 29, 2008 at 1:34 pm #

    I adored your last line! Ouch, the longest hour of your life…

  8. GiGi October 27, 2008 at 8:52 am #

    I would take having every tooth in my mouth filled with no novacaine, which I did, back in the dark ages, over the Brazilian.
    Next time you decide to do that, let me know and I’ll talk you down!!!!!!!

  9. Allison November 16, 2008 at 4:11 am #

    Oh my goodness!!! You are a brave woman. Dental work with no anesthesia + bikini wax all in one afternoon. I’m impressed. And yeah…the creepy Chinese guy pulling Sydney’s teeth = one of the most horrifying moments in all of Alias!

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