You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

2 Sep

I hide alot of stuff.  Not like bags full of new clothes from Anthropologie that I don’t want Hubs to find.  Stuff.  Painful stuff.

Hubs would probably disagree.  He would say I’m out there telling everyone our business, and to some extent that’s true.  I blog, obviously, but that’s certainly a carefully constructed picture of our lives.  And yes, I usually tell people about Sweet Pea after only a couple of meetings, because I don’t want them to think that we’re just awful parents who have a spoiled only child.

Still…I hide alot.  I hide it so deep I don’t even know I’m doing it, but I think it’s the reason I’m so irritable these days. 

So Sunday I’m sitting in church and our pastor says the most stunning thing:  “That which you want to hide, God wants to take”.  Now I’ve been going to church since 9 months before I was born, and I’ve spent plenty of time listening to great preachers and I’ve even taught plenty of lessons myself.  So it’s rare that I hear a thought that is completely new.  But I’m telling you, you could’ve knocked me over with a feather. 

Since I do believe that God loves me, and takes care of me, and has a plan for me, why am I still hiding all of this pain??  Is it because I don’t believe deep down that he’ll take it?  A lack of faith?  Or is it because I believe he’ll take it and I’ll still be in pain?  More lack of faith.  Is it because I really wish he would’ve already taken this pain away without me even having to give it to him?  He knows I’m hurting.  He sees our tears and our frustration EVERY DAY.  Does He really need me to actually give it to him? 

What this boils down to is a confession:  I’m angry with God.  I’ve been angry.  Totally and completely pissed off.  (Excuse me.)  For about 6 years now.  He didn’t have to burden Sweet Pea with a hearing impairment and a brain full of chemicals that are so out of whack she doesn’t know when it’s morning and when it’s night.  It’s not fair.  And we had already been through the pain of my heart disease and the loss of even the option of pregnancy.  Did our adopted child have to come with all of these issues?  Wasn’t the adoption alone enough for us to deal with??  And of course she has to deal with it too;  “You’re not my real mommy and daddy”…”You can just sell me if you don’t like me”…and on and on and on.   And since we’ve been attacking this for the past six years, why can’t we seem to make any headway?  It’s not like we’re sitting around acting stupid about it; we’ve sought medical help and psychiatric help and psychological help and relationship help and it still STINKS!!  I firmly believe that at any point God could take this all away from us, but He’s choosing not to.  Why??  Because it’s making me stronger?  Well, I beg to differ.  At this point it has only made us all weaker.  I’m mad.

I know that God can handle my anger.  But more than that, I know He wants me to quit hiding it and just give it to Him already. 

So here you go, God.  Here’s a plateful of anger and frustration and tears and foot-stomping and fists flailing.  Here’s my lack of faith.  Here’s my brother’s death and my heart disease.  Here’s the pregnancy I never had and the adoption that is still so difficult.  Here’s the void between Hubs and I that we just can’t seem to break.  Here’s Sweet Pea’s hearing loss, and her messed up brain, and her tantrums and inattention and inflexibility and irritability and impulsivity.  Here’s the whole mess.

Please take it.  I don’t want it anymore.

And God? 

Thank you.

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12 Responses to “You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide”

  1. Kristi September 2, 2008 at 1:43 pm #

    Katy, I don’t know what to say, but I love you. That, and I’ve got tears all over my laptop.

  2. Insta-mom September 2, 2008 at 2:16 pm #

    I know I haven’t been reading you long enough for you to know me from any other blogger. But I truly believe that part of blogging is having a safe place to get these things out and to have people who are going to support you entirely without judgment.

    I send my support. There’s no reason you should have to carry all that without friends.

  3. Trish September 2, 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    BIG HUGS TO YOU, KATY!

  4. Barb September 2, 2008 at 4:40 pm #

    Let me just dry the tears off of my laptop, too.

  5. Julie September 2, 2008 at 7:23 pm #

    Isn’t it great to know that our God is big enough to handle all our pain and anger and fears and that He loves us no less when we unleash it all at His feet! Know that you are so loved!

  6. Cathy September 3, 2008 at 12:33 am #

    I don’t know why bad things happen. I don’t know why sometimes the challenges seem to stack up until it is hard to imagine getting past them. I don’t know why marriage and parenting, both based in love, have to be so very hard at times.

    What I do know is this… while you and Sweet Pea both do not deserve the challenges that have been thrown your way, Sweet Pea does deserve a Mom who fights to provide her with the support that she needs on the good days and the bad. A Mom who can understand and can empathize with her daughter concerning her heath problems, because she has had more than her share herself. A Mom who bakes cinnamon rolls in order to make the first day of school a little easier, who creates an elaborate scavenger hunt to help her get ready the night before, and who knows to adjust when it is just not having the desired effect. A Mom who shares with her the joy of reading and lovingly picks out books that she believes she will love. One who obsessively reads every piece of paper sent home from school. And, a Mom who is there for her when she questions what it means to be adopted.

    I can certainly understand when things seem darkest, the tendency to question your faith. When I look for God in all of this, however, what I can’t help but to see is a child who has been provided by God with EXACTLY what she needs. Hang in there, girl! Your Sweet Pea is blessed to call you Mom.

  7. amyseay September 3, 2008 at 11:28 am #

    Katy. I love you!!!

  8. The Introvert September 3, 2008 at 11:45 pm #

    Thank you for being so honest. Your post struck a cord with me because I am guilty of the very same thing. I hide a lot. And I try so hard to keep it together every single day. All the while, I ask God why things have to be so difficult. But one thing He has taught me in the last year is…He will never leave us nor forsake us. In the very pits of despair and loneliness, I still feel Him there with me. He’s the only reason I haven’t gone insane, and He rewards me in so many ways every single day. I may feel like I am stumbling around aimlessly, but He keeps pointing me in the right direction. I know it is really tough to have faith, but hang in there!! You’re in my prayers.

  9. anymommy September 4, 2008 at 12:58 am #

    Hugs to you, my friend, across the web and the miles. I am crying with you right now too. I wish there was a way to ease some of the struggle for you. I hope this step, writing it down, giving it away, will be the first towards lightening your load a little.

  10. Patrick September 9, 2008 at 1:04 am #

    What I do know Katy is that God is still on the throne and He is still in control. What God has done is He has placed you in the position to be the one to carry this burden. Yes it is cliché but God will not give you anything that you cannot handle. I have seen what happens to kids and families that cannot handle it. If you did not have Sweat Pea, someone else would. You have actually saved her from a monster that would have used her as punching bag or worse because he or she could not carry or refused to carry the burden. Remember that Jesus carried His cross literally and figuratively for 33 years. God sees you as his child (like Jesus) and has given you issues that other people would have taken and turned into extreme evil. You are blessed to be a blessing. God has blessed you and he is counting on you to be that blessing (that you are) for Sweet Pea. Unto whom much is given … (you know the rest). Each time you think of the problems, think of those who would trade places with you in a heartbeat because it would be a million steps up. The lady who has no husband or a cruel husband would trade with you in a twinkling of an eye. The couple that has no kids or who are in jail because they abused their kids would trade places with you for the do over. The person who died yesterday because he did not receive a heart transplant would have gladly taken your health issues (and he would have been extremely glad to get them). Yes – it is not fair, but count it all JOY. You will be rewarded in the Kingdom for eternity.

  11. Jenny September 9, 2008 at 4:54 pm #

    Oh, my heart aches for you. May God bless you and give you peace and ease some of your burdens and take away some of your pain. Your honesty is so fresh and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. And I loved the way you ended your post!

  12. Darla Baerg December 16, 2008 at 11:31 pm #

    Chills. Oh, and I wish I could be that honest.

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