For Women Only

25 May

No really, I mean it.  This one’s just for the ladies.  Unless you want TMI.  Which maybe you do.  And in that case, read on bro!

 

It’s that time of the month.  I’ve got, you know, my womanly.  Aunt Flo has come for a visit.  I’m menestrating.  (That’s one of my favorite pronunciations from nursing school.  Still gets me.) 

 

And I’m in PAINNNNNNN!!!!!!!  Boy howdy, am I in pain.  Yowzers.  An overdose of motrin isn’t helping, so today I’ve decided to wear the heat pad on my gut.  And I have to admit, it’s helping a little bit.  Just enough so I don’t bite anyone’s head off in a fit of hormonal, pain-induced fury. 

 

I figured out that I’m actually on the downhill side of this thing.  That is, I should have less periods left to go than I’ve already endured.  So I’ve got that going for me.  Which is nice.

 

Anyway, in honor of this wonderful time of the month in which I am punished for Eve’s sin and it won’t even do me any good since I’m not ever going to be pregnant (I digress…), here is a little uterine-inspired laughter for ya.  You may have read this before, but it’s worth a rerun for sure.  WARNING:  Language may be unsuitable for more sensitive readers.

 

This is a letter written to one of the top executives at Proctor and Gamble. Means a bit more to the gals than the guys.

 

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter.
 
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period”.
 
“Are you f…..g kidding me?” What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness – is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
 
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep… Always.
 

Best,

Wendy Aarons 
 
 Now I don’t know this Wendy person, but if I did you can bet I’d throw my arms around her neck and give her a big old hug.  ‘Cause she sure can put the words to it, can’t she??  Thanks girlfriend, whoever you are. 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Responses to “For Women Only”

  1. Barb May 25, 2008 at 9:29 pm #

    I have seen that letter before and thought it was a scream because I had noticed the “happy period” message and wondered who the crazy person was who thought of that one! Funny, I don’t see that happy message any more….

  2. meg May 25, 2008 at 11:30 pm #

    How perfectly appropriate!!! The timing couldn’t have been more perfect as I sit (barely) here in pain after enduring my first spin class during that “very special time of month”. I was so proud of myself for having gotten through the class, but I am still convinced that my trainer mangaged to rearrange internal organs I never knew I had. The idea of a spin class alone is enough to send me running (haha another exercise joke) but additional bruising is SO not necessary when you are already sore!!! Although maybe it was punishment for teaching my two year old to say (in a very scary voice) “I NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!”

  3. Jennifer May 26, 2008 at 1:58 pm #

    Oh my god. I haven’t read that, but a huge AMEN. Happy, my ass.

  4. Julie May 27, 2008 at 8:21 pm #

    Oh my goodness! Now THAT was funny!! I’ve never even given a second thought about all those ads that say “Have a happy period” and now I’ll never be able to watch them without doubling over in laughter and having my husband stare at me all the while wondering if he really wants to know what’s so funny!!!!

  5. Vaniqua June 12, 2008 at 3:28 pm #

    Katy,
    Google Wendy Aarons – she has her own blog. If this is any indication, there’s good stuff on there.

  6. Wariness June 21, 2008 at 2:38 am #

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Wariness!!!!

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