13 May

I can anticipate like nobody’s business.  In fact, looking forward to something is a big chunk of the fun.  I like to plan vacations far in advance so that each day I can imagine all the perfect family days we’re going to share.  You see the problem, don’t you?  I set my expectations WAY high.  And then I get let down.  Because who has ever been on a perfect family vacation? 

 Before I was married I can remember laying in bed imagining what it would be like to walk down the aisle and see Lane waiting for me.  I didn’t really consider the marriage much, just the wedding.  To me, that was a picture of the whole thing.  Little did I know… (wink!)

 And who hasn’t hoped and prayed for the perfect job only to discover that it’s not so perfect once you’ve been there awhile?

 In thinking about Mother’s Day last week, I remembered a song that was on the Christian radio station alot while we were preparing to be parents.  That was a really hard year.  It started with the cardiologist telling me he didn’t think I should get pregnant.  Shock.  I blew him off and went to a high-risk OB, thinking she’d be different, but no such luck.  She agreed – no pregnancy for me.  I was devestated.  It seemed like everyone we knew was cute and pregnant, and I was not to be a member of that club. 

 My best friend had recently adopted a baby boy, so I knew that we would go that route.  We picked an agency, filled out piles of paperwork, had the homevisit, got fingerprinted, had the fire marshall come for an inspection (I’m NOT kidding), and then the waiting began.  Now I need to be up front and tell you that we didn’t wait long.  We turned in our paperwork  in June, and Abigail was born in December, so it was shorter than a pregnancy.  But there were a couple of twists and turns along the way.  And I think no matter how long you wait it’s torture, because of the unknown.  We didn’t know when we would be chosen, yet we were supposed to be ready to bring a baby home any day. 

 So this Wes King song was playing on the radio all the time.  I’m going to include a cut of the lyrics here, because they were so special to me.  (PS.  I’ve tried everything I can do to link to this song, but I’m just too illiterate.  UGH!!  You can download it on iTunes, if you’re so inclined…it’s definitely worth the 99 cents.  And FYI, the background singer on this track is Jonatha Brooke – one of my favs!!) 

 Thought You’d Be Here

We thought you’d be here by now
your Mother and I
We’re praying through our tears
that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited to long
It’s getting harder to be strong
Is there something we’ve done wrong

 But if you like dancing
I’ll make it rain rhythm and rhyme
and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your Mother will make your
imagination run wild
we thought you’d be here by now

 We have a room just for you, upstairs
It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever
get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

 And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles
and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your Mother will fly you to
worlds both far and near

 I never knew the silence
could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could
miss someone I never met
Miss someone I haven’t met yet

We’ll be waiting

 Remembering how much I prayed for my sweet baby, how hard it was to wait, how much I wanted her, how I had a room ready for her, how I filled the closet with more clothes than a little girl could ever wear, how I imagined our playtime, and storytelling, and rocking, and snuggles…remembering all that made me remember how grateful I am to be her mother.  How grateful I am that God chose me for this job, no matter how hard it is.  How grateful I am that He has a plan, and that His plans are good. 

I’m anticipating the future, and it’s all good.


6 Responses to “Anticipation”

  1. Lane May 13, 2008 at 11:43 am #

    It’s not good to have the boss tear up at the office. Thanks a lot!

  2. kathrynsmoore May 13, 2008 at 1:56 pm #

    You’re welcome. 🙂

  3. Julie May 13, 2008 at 8:03 pm #

    I’m with Lane…could ya’ put a kleenex disclaimer at the beginning of your post please?! (:
    Great reminder that God is good ALL the time, even when it’s hard to see!

  4. Erin May 14, 2008 at 9:45 am #

    I LOVE THIS POST!!! Best one you’ve written. I teared up along with everyone else.

  5. janemumey May 14, 2008 at 11:11 am #

    Savage Garden “I knew I loved you before I met you” is my song with Kate.

  6. anymommy May 21, 2008 at 9:09 pm #

    Thanks for this post. It’s so true. The wait is so hard and so long no matter how ‘quickly’ it goes. It’s so hard to remember to be grateful for my kids sometimes, despite all the love! The day to day stuff gets me.

    I am thrilled to have connected to another mom like me (who’s adopted, I mean).

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