Can you spare a square?

30 Apr

I’m only a brand-snob about a couple of things:  Grandma’s Molasses, Green Giant Kitchen-Sliced Green Beans, Tampax Tampons (oh, wait, too much information, right?)…


There are other things that I buy whatever is the best deal that day.   Bread, cheese,  milk, canned tomatoes, and toilet paper all fall into this category.  The only problem is, every once in a while I mess up and get something that totally fails me.  Such is my experience this week. 


You know how it is on that darn toilet paper aisle.  There are too many choices.  And the math is just ridiculously complicated.  We have soft, ultra soft, and ultra strong.  (Why do I have to choose between soft and strong…we’ve landed a man on the moon, can’t it be both?)  Each of these is available in a big roll (big meaning small), a giant roll (16 giant rolls =40 big rolls…what?) and a MEGA roll (too big to actually fit on the toilet paper holder and still turn.)  Then you have the whole ply issue – one ply, two ply, three ply, quilted ply, my oh my.  And THEN you have to factor in the sale price.  It’s just toilet paper overload. 


So the last time I was at Tar-jhay I decided to be supermom and turn the toilet paper aisle experience into a math lesson for my daughter.  (That was my fatal mistake; who am I kidding, I’m NOT supermom!)  After much time spent in careful calculations, she chose a pack with 32 big rolls.  And what we got was 32 rolls of toilet paper that give a maximum of four wipes each.  Now I’m not going to lie; I don’t like to skimp on the tp.  (And I certainly don’t want my daughter to skimp!)  I think a good handful does the job.  And each of these “BIG” rolls has about 4 handfuls, 6 tops.  That’s it.  We’re changing the roll so often I’ve quit putting the new one on the holder.  Why bother?  It’s only going to be there for half a day and then we’re on to a new one.  PAIN IN MY NECK!!


Now I realize that there are many more important things in life than my toilet paper frustration, but today I leave you with what I consider to be one of the most hilarious scenes in the recent history of American comedy:


what a dope!

uh..excuse me

umm.. I’m sorry

this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there’s no toilet paper over here


(from the stall on Elaine’s right)

are you talking to me?


yeah.. I

I just forgot to check

so if you could just spare me some


no I’m sorry




no I’m sorry, I can’t spare it


you can’t spare it??


no there’s not enough to spare


well I don’t need much, just 3 squares will do it


I’m sorry I don’t have a square to spare, now if you don’t mind


3 squares? you can’t spare 3 squares??


no I don’t have a square to spare, I can’t spare a square


oh is it two-ply? cause it it’s two-ply I’ll take one ply, one ply, one, one

puny little ply, I’ll take one measly ply


look, I don’t have a square and I don’t have a ply (flushing and leaving)









4 Responses to “Can you spare a square?”

  1. estallings0911 April 30, 2008 at 5:33 pm #

    That is absolutely one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes EVER!!! I am like you in that there are certain items I will not skimp on. However, we’re different in that I ALWAYS buy Charmin – never the cheap stuff and it’s for this very reason. I don’t want something thin and flimsy down there NOT taking care of business, know what I mean?

  2. kathrynsmoore April 30, 2008 at 10:08 pm #

    Yes, Erin, but WHICH Charmin? That’s my point. In this case I came home with Charmin, but clearly the wrong type.

  3. The Introvert April 30, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    My husband is all about the generic brand until you talk about toilet paper. Then it’s only the best for his butt. I, on the other hand, would rather spend my money on hair care. Since he still has a military cut, the value of good conditioner is wasted on him *sigh*

  4. kathrynsmoore April 30, 2008 at 1:39 pm #

    I just talked to my mom (aka Glenda) and she wasn’t willing to post this but I had to write what she said on the phone:

    “Oh, Katy, just buy Northern. It only takes 6 squares, it triples in your hand, and it’s very absorbent.”

    Said as only a mother can. I love it.

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