Confession

11 Apr

I have a confession to make:  Sometimes I don’t like being a parent.  There, I said it.  Or, wrote it.  Loud and proud.  For all the blogosphere to see.  Parenting is hard.  It gives me a headache.  And it’s a REALLY long-term commitment.  What was I thinking?? 

 

I realize that I’m looking pretty schizo, between yesterday’s super-sappy “mydaughter’sgrowingupIhavetoslowdownandenjoyit” post, and today’s cynical revelation.  But I guess that’s pretty much a picture of parenting.  Some days good, some days not so much.

 

My daughter has her own set of needs that make her more of a challenge than the average kid.  She is “more” everything…more emotional, more moody, more impulsive, more defiant.  And that makes my job MORE difficult.  Even after 9 years, even though I’m a highly trained pediatric nurse, even after reading every book that’s been written, and even after working with every specialist west of the Mississippi (well, not quite, but close) I still feel ill-equipped to handle this task. 

 

My daughter is adopted.  For me that translates to God saying “I chose this little person to be in your house for a very specific reason.  I could have placed her anywhere, but I need YOU to be her mom.”  WHY???  Perhaps God didn’t think about my impatience, or my short temper, or my desire to flee when things get hard.  Perhaps he overlooked my perfectionist tendencies, which really don’t work with my particular kid.  Perhaps he thought I was more…more loving, more caring, more motherly. 

 

Yes, I know that God says “I won’t give you anything you can’t handle” yada yada yada, but let’s be honest.  When you’re in the middle of what you think you can’t handle, there’s not much hope there.  I’m thinking maybe he forgot that promise in just this one instance.  Or maybe He thinks I can handle more than I really can.  Or maybe I need to just relax and trust Him.  I know that’s it, but it’s hard.  Harder than I signed up for.  Harder than anything else I’ve ever done. 

 

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9 Responses to “Confession”

  1. Kregg April 11, 2008 at 7:05 pm #

    “Perhaps God didn’t think about my impatience, or my short temper, or my desire to flee when things get hard. Perhaps he overlooked my perfectionist tendencies, which really don’t work with my particular kid.”

    I bet you a dollar he thought of all of those things. Maybe he is trying to teach you patience, control and strength. Maybe he is trying to teach you that it’s ok to be less than perfect. Maybe he is doing this through loving a little girl who tests every fiber of patience you have.
    You are a good mom, but you are also a human. You are raising a very strong willed girl who has alot of obstacles to overcome. You are raising her well. And it’s ok to not like your child sometimes…but you will always love her. Think about all the people you love…think about how much you can not like them, right?
    Keep your head up bruiser, you’re gonna make it. You have a good man by your side to help. God dosen’t make mistakes, he really dosen’t.
    Love.

  2. janemumey April 11, 2008 at 9:25 pm #

    I know God doesn’t make mistakes – but sometimes he/she has a complicated sense of humor!

  3. Julie Ottosen April 12, 2008 at 7:18 am #

    You are an AWESOME mom!! I’ve seen you at wits end(with good reason!) and then bounce back stronger than before! Abigail is one blessed little girl to have you and Lane as parents! Hang in there…and maybe sing a little Julie Andrews! (:

  4. meg April 12, 2008 at 7:36 am #

    You could very easily be describing my eldest daughter. She is a challenge and a blessing.

  5. Barb April 12, 2008 at 8:53 am #

    My sister, I hear you loud and clear because I speak the same language. It is incredible that our daughters have so much in common. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it for myself. I have the same feelings about parenting as you, so please remember that you are not alone. We will make it through this one day at a time…..

  6. Barb April 12, 2008 at 6:58 pm #

    Katy, I had one more thought for you: the reason that parenting feels so difficult is because you are doing it right. Every parent has a choice to make about how they raise their child. You have chosen the high road and all three of you will be blessed in the end.

  7. kathrynsmoore April 12, 2008 at 9:24 pm #

    Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. It’s good to know there are others who know what I’m going through. And Kregg, well, just you wait bro. 🙂

  8. The Introvert April 14, 2008 at 6:44 am #

    Hi! Just found your blog through Disco Jamboree! It’s so pretty!

    I may not be a parent, but I just went through the most difficult year of my life asking God “why” every minute of every day. And you know what? He has finally started to show me why I needed to go through all of that pain. I learned a lot, and now I am equipped to handle things I never could’ve handled before.

    He sees the big picture. He absolutely picked you to be her mom for a reason.

  9. estallings0911 April 17, 2008 at 6:28 pm #

    I remember when I got pregnant and you told me this would happen. You said there will be times when you absolutely hate being a mother and you’ll become resentful. Well, it’s happened to me, too. Like Kregg said, you’re human. And it’s perfectly OK to feel like that from time to time. God had a plan for you and you’ll live up to all expectations. You’re a wonderful mom.

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