Sex (How’s that for a title that grabs ya?)

4 Apr

Hopefully you have had time to read yesterday’s post.  I wrote that post this past December, and life has progressed since then.  While we haven’t yet had “the talk”, I am ready.  Our daughter is delayed socially and emotionally, so it is certainly a quandry as to what will be the right time to tell her.  I want her to have the information, but I’m fairly certain she won’t know what to do with it, and that could work against her.

We have, however, talked about bras, growing, “girl parts v. boy parts”, privacy, etc.  And we’ve talked about it ALOT.  Lane is mortified, but I keep reminding him of all that I’ve read about staying ahead on this stuff. 

 So here is my question for today, and it may seem cynical and even un-Christian to some of you.  That’s okay.  I want to hear your responses.

In a country where we know that better than 50% of our girls are having sex in high school (and that doesn’t count oral sex and other experimentation), is teaching solely abstinence the best way to go about sex education, even in Christian homes?

Would it be better to teach abstinence along with responsibility and safety? 

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9 Responses to “Sex (How’s that for a title that grabs ya?)”

  1. Kelly @ Love Well April 4, 2008 at 9:17 pm #

    I guess it depends on what you mean by “teaching.”

    When my children are old enough, I plan to tell them that abstinence is all kinds of right, that sex within a monogamous marriage is the most passionate, romantic, sexy kind of sex. (Despite what you see on TV.)

    But I would expect, as a part of that conversation, that we would talk about what’s common in their peer group at that time — that kids who are having sex as teenagers are trying to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy by using some form of “protection” (and I use the word lightly).

    I don’t think an approach that says, “God says sex is BEST in marriage and He is so right” has to preclude the mention of condoms or what other kids are doing (i.e. oral sex). But certainly, I can tell them from my own experience which path has the best pros and cons.

  2. msureed April 4, 2008 at 10:14 pm #

    I’ve read that oral sex is a huge issue in JR highs now!! As for the teaching, John and I are of the belief that knowledge is power. Its best to be honest and upfront about all information, because if they don’t hear it from you, they WILL find other places to get it., and you want to make sure they have the correct information and are armed with what your family’s beliefs are concerning it. Also, just because your child doesn’t want to have sex, doesn’t mean they won’t be in a situation requiring the information. Unfortunately, its a fact of life in our society and our children need to be prepared and feel comfortable to talk to their parents about whatever their choice ends up to be.

  3. Amy Seay April 5, 2008 at 2:34 am #

    Ooooo, interesting! Let me ponder this a bit and I’ll get back!

  4. Barb April 6, 2008 at 8:51 am #

    To answer your question: YES. I believe that you should give your children all the facts about sex along with teaching them your beliefs about abstinence. I was taught about sex this way (not by my parents however, but through church-sponsored programs for youth) and I felt relieved to have a clue about it. We are on the verge of having these conversations with our oldest two kids, age 11 and 10. We have already discussed body parts and puberty and bought each a book recommended by one of my friends. The girl book is “The Period Book” and my daughter has already read it. She is not ready to grow up, so she hasn’t come to me with many questions. When we talked about puberty, she really didn’t want to hear it and asked why I was telling her this already!! The boy book is written by the same authors, but we haven’t given it to my son yet, age 11. There is MUCH MORE info about sex in the boy book than the girl book, which I found very interesting. I thought the information was good, but it gave the impression (in my opinion) that sex was casual. So I will have to give him the book with a disclaimer. My husband looked at the book and also agreed that it was too soon for all that info, but I am thinking maybe during the summer. Sorry for the book review, since that was not your question! My kids are big readers, so it was natural for me to want to use a book as part of my teaching strategy. Good luck and happy parenting!!

  5. kathrynsmoore April 8, 2008 at 12:20 am #

    Barb, I love a book review. And interesting that the boy book is different from the girl book. Interesting…and disturbing.

  6. Julie Ottosen April 8, 2008 at 6:41 am #

    Okay, I had to think about this one for a bit before I could put my response into words. I am always amazed that there are Christians out there who believe (and act like!) they must check their brains at the door to be let in. What I mean is this: God created sex. He created us to be sexual beings. He created a plan for sex to be beautiful and passionate within the bounds of marriage. I believe that when we present sex as God’s idea we focus on when God intends for people to have sex verses a lengthy lecture on when NOT to have sex. I also like the statistic that you included “better than 50% of our girls are having sex in high school” becuase it is a great opportunity to talk to our kids about what other kids might be doing and the repercussions it could have. Even with “protection” being more available than ever, we still see teenage pregnancies and abortions on the rise, sexually transmitted disease rates skyrocketing and divorce rates in our culture rising. This to me is the perfect chance to say to our kids, “Hey, you know what, God really does know what He’s talking about. He’s not trying to ruin your fun, He’s giving you the parameters for having the best sex without fears of disease, unwanted babies, etc.” I think our kids respond to logic and reason better than just a lecture on abstinence with no facts to back up our theology.

  7. Erin April 10, 2008 at 11:20 pm #

    Like almost everyone here, I too had to think about this. Here’s where I stand. I had sex before marriage. In fact, I was one of those statistics in high school. Through my faith, I was told that we weren’t supposed to have sex until we were married. Because of the type of kid I was, that warning had no effect on me. I won’t say that drove me to do it, but that was definitely what started the curiosity. I don’t think there’s one sure way to approach this subject with a child – it all depends on their personality. I never realized there was a spiritual and emotional difference between married and casual sex until I got married. If I could go back to my 16-year-old self and explain that the wait would be worth it, I would. However, knowing my 16-year-old self, I would’ve run to the nearest man and done it. 🙂 And I would’ve screamed having seen myself 13 years later…

    To sum it up, God gave us sex and He gave us guidelines. Both need to be explained and then there’s got to be a lot of prayer and trust. And in case you have a child with a mind of their own, all precautions must be taken. Teaching about safe sex is not wrong when you preach abstinence – it’s realistic. And who knows? For all the children that aren’t taught that stuff, your child may end up being the teacher and what could be greater than that??

  8. Patrick April 11, 2008 at 12:51 am #

    Any choice that she makes later in life about sex should be an informed decision with full knowledge of the pros and cons. (Don’t tell her the pros). She will need the facts from and the opinions of her good Christian parents. As a middle school administrator, I know very well that kids get the “facts” from and the opinions of other kids. Without the information from you, she will treat the info from her peers as the Gospel. Most of the kids who make mistakes have the facts, but not the skills to escape peer and social pressure. Be sure she has these skills. Think of it like you are equipping her with the tools to make informed decisions. Her values, beliefs, character, and morals will really make the decision. Focus your work on those things along with giving her the skills to withstand pressure, and she will make good decisions in all aspects of teen life.

  9. wildcatteacher August 3, 2010 at 11:58 am #

    Here are some thoughts on the subject and a good book recommendation: http://growingupwell.org/2010/07/28/the-sex-talk/

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