Great Expectations

I am having a hard time pressing the *publish* button.  This is as brutally honest as I’ve ever been, and I’m very hesitatant to put it out there.  But this is what’s on my heart and in my mind, and maybe by publishing I’ll get some relief.  Please don’t feel obligated to comment; there really isn’t anything anyone can say that will make this any better. 

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Well, I’ve done it to myself again.  I spent the last month of the summer gearing us up for a GREAT school year…”Honey, you’re going to love fifth grade – new teacher, new books, and science!!  This year you get to do SCIENCE!!!  And you’ll have different friends in your class so you can start fresh.  Isn’t it GREAT???” 

No mom, it isn’t great.  Now can you stop talking so I can hear the Disney channel?  Thanks.

But I didn’t hear her.  I just kept repeating myself over and over in as many fun, enthusiastic ways as I could come up with…surely with enough encouragement and prayer and preparation I could MAKE this a great year, right??

Wrong.  Wrong-o.  Wring-wrang-WRONG.

She started Monday morning:  cute outfit, stylish bookbag, accessories galore, and a yummy lunch…with cookies. A whole bag of mini Oreos, for pete’s sake!   I mean, what more could a kid want?  But 3:00 rolls around and she rounds the corner  unleashing the fury that is some manner of demon, disguised as my tween.  NOTHING went right.  NO friends.  NO fun.  And it’s HOT.  “At school?”  No mom.  Geez.  It’s hot outside!!  Duh.

Oy vey.

Every afternoon it’s been the same, and she doesn’t even have homework yet.  I can only imagine the joy that will fill our household next Monday at 3:00, when she has a bag full of math and spelling to do after school.

Here’s the thing:  I shouldn’t be surprised.  This happens every year.  EVERY year.  And yet I still expect that if I meet her with a smile and a plateful of cookies she’ll come in the door with a smile and a hug and tell me all about her day.  I think if I can just encourage her enough, speak enough postitive words, set her up for success and not failure, then things will change.  She’ll magically turn into that kid.  But it’s just never gonna happen, is it? 

Because that’s not my kid.  My kid is struggling.  Struggling to be ANYTHING but angry at the world, angry at me, angry at hubs.  She’s ticked, and she’s having a hard time getting past it.  And it’s ugly…two-year-old-tantrum-ugly.  Beelzebub ugly. 

Why her, God? 

 Why us?

Much of the reason I haven’t written this summer is that although I sometimes write from a place of pain, there is usually plenty of hope mixed in.    But I’m losing hope.  I am convinced that she could get better if God chose to work a miracle, and He’s just not choosing to do that right now.  For whatever reason, and believe me I have NO idea what that reason could be, He is choosing to let us walk through this wilderness.  It hurts.  It’s lonely. It’s just plain miserable.

Honestly I don’t know how much more we can take. 

Our great expectations are turning into dashed dreams.

Starting New

Dear Readers,

Please forgive me for my absence over the last two months.  It’s a long story, and I’ll be parsing it out over the next few weeks.  Suffice it to say I’ve got PLENTY to write about.

Let’s start with this:  Today is the first day of school for us here in San Antonio and I feel a weight lifting.  Granted, I know there’s going to be another one pressing down on me within the week, but for now I’m breathing a bit easier.

I start rehearsals for a new show tonight; I’ll be playing Judy/Ginger in Ruthless, The Musical.  That right there will turn into at least a couple of blogs…nothing has been easy this summer, and this was no exception.

Anyhoo, I’m back. 

Peace and Love,

funny girl

I just RAN!

So I’ve been running.  SERIOUSLY running.  This week I’ve logged between 4 and 6 miles a night.  I think it’s possible this makes me an actual distance runner. 

Now you may be thinking “Funny Girl, you so crazy!” but let me tell you something.  I love it.  I love it for the thinking time, the solitude, the sheer exercise, but most of all for a new little natural high brought on by my friends the endorphins.  I am NOT an athlete.  I’m in good shape, but I never played a sport (unless you count intramural softball) and I don’t exercise consistently.  Yep, I said it.  I don’t really exercise.  Until now. 

Have you experienced an endorphin high?  It’s quite fun.  And also QUITE addictive.  The other night I didn’t run because Hubs was going to be gone and I was completely blue.  I’m telling you…it’s good. 

Has all this talk of a legal, natural high made you intrigued?  Did you used to run but haven’t done it in a while?  Have you never run but now you suddenly want to?  Does just the mention of running make you break into hives?  Well, just for you, a little thing I like to call Funny Girl’s Tips for Getting Started.  (Aren’t I creative?)  (PS:  These are in no way intended to substitute for any kind of professional advice!!)

1.  Get good shoes.  Go to an actual running store, try on the shoes, run around the store.  It makes a HUGE difference.  I wear Asics that give extra support to my arches because I tend to supinate (my foot falls in toward the center) which is hard on my knees.

2.  Get good socks.  Hanes low tops aren’t going to cut it.  You need the good ones.  They’re expensive, but worth it.

3.  Get actual running shorts.  You can go out there in regular shorts, but the chaffing is NOT worth it.  (Remember when you’d go to Astroworld in the summer and get wet on a ride and then walk around like that and you sort of had to waddle but you didn’t want that cute boy you had that week’s crush on to think something was wrong so you just suffered until you got home 8 hours later?  I’m over chaffing.)  I like the new nike shorts with the underwear built in.  Again, not cheap, but worth it.  I noticed that Old Navy now has a similar pair and I’m planning on trying them soon.

4.  MUSIC.  Get an ipod, load it up.  My runs are all about the music…I couldn’t run without it.  I don’t have the fancy arm thing; I tuck my ipod into the little pocket in my shorts.  I’ll be glad to share my playlists, but it’s really subjective, so you’ve got to figure out what works for you. 

5.  NIKE+iPod = Motivation!!!  Nike sells a little device that plugs into your ipod and records your times/distances/etc.  There’s also a voice (you can choose a man OR woman – it swings both ways!) that tells you how far you’ve gone…it’s very satisfying.  You don’t have to wear Nike shoes; you can buy a separate device that straps onto your laces.  My sweet friend Barbara recently got me this little toy as a happy, and my running has only improved!!

6.  Don’t get discouraged!!  It takes a little while to get over the 1-2 mile hump, but once you do (and you’ll know when it happens) you’ll find yourself in the middle of mile 3, high as a kite, feeling better than you have in ages. 

If you’re a runner I’d love to hear what other little tips you have…what works, what doesn’t work, etc. 

Now GO.  RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!!!

Couvade Syndrome

Couvade Syndrome is also known as sympathetic pregnancy. It happens in men whose wives are pregnant.   I think I’m having Couvade Syndrome.

During the show I became friends with my opposite’s wife who is now almost 8 months pregnant with her first baby.  She has been extremely generous with me (especially considering I kept kissing her husband!) and has really opened up her life to me.  Needless to say I am LOVING it – new friends make me awfully happy. 

Having never been pregnant there are certain things that I mourn:  the adorable maternity clothes (I know you got sick of them, but they are still stinking adorable!!), the kicks (what does that exactly feel like??), the sheer miracle of knowing there’s a life inside you!  And my dear friend has just let me right into her life to experience all those things alongside her.  When he kicks (it’s a boy!) she grabs my hand and places it on her belly no matter where we are.  She lets me rub her tummy every time I see her (and I’m sure she’s getting sick of it).  She has done the most amazing job of describing to me all the little insignificant details of being pregnant – everything from what it’s like to hear the heartbeat for the first time, to not being able to reach your legs to shave, to not being able to fit into a bathroom stall without bumping your tummy on the door.  I LOVE IT!!!

Meanwhile, I’m not sleeping well, my reflux is acting up, and I’m craving all kinds of random foods. 

I’m telling you:  Couvade.

Out of the Fog

Is it Wednesday?  I think it is.  We closed the show on Sunday, and I’ve been in a fog ever since.  So tired, so emotionally spent, so physically exhausted.  I lost my voice on Saturday and eeked by with the help of a steroid shot.  I am done for now.

But WHAT an experience.  The greatest friends, the most challenging music, moments of intense excitement and excrutiating fear, and all the endorphins I could stomach!!  I hate saying goodbye, so Sunday was particularly painful.  Some of these people I won’t see for months, and they’ve become my best friends.  I don’t know what I’m doing next, which is also hard.  My future is in someone else’s hands, and that’s not a comfortable place for me.  I HATE waiting, and it’s going to be a long one…August at least. 

I’ll get back to blogging once I get back to reality but since I seem to be void of original thought, any questions for me now that the show is over?  Not to be self-indulgent, I’m just empty. 

That’s me on the right, singing “I’m Not At All In Love” to the girls in the factory.

 

Fighting with Sid at the picnic…loved that dress!!!

 

Contemplating love…loved this vintage dress too – tried to buy it from the costumer but she didn’t go for it. 

Mommy of the Year

I picked Sweet Pea up from school yesterday and almost immediately noticed that something was amiss.  She was unfocused and talking non-stop.  I checked her assignment book to see what homework hour was going to be like and I found a note from her teacher explaining that she hadn’t been on task all day, and as such, had three extra assignments to do at home.

Ugh. 

I sat down with her to start the first assignment and it was literally impossible for her to stay in her seat.  She was all over the place, and I was getting more and more frustrated.  It took a few minutes, but then it dawned on me…

Did I give her medicine this morning?  I couldn’t remember doing it…I walked through the morning routine in my head and I couldn’t remember giving it to her.  I called Hubs and guess what?  He didn’t give it to her either.

Yep.  We sent our child out the door without the ONE THING she needs to get through the day successfully.  Imagine sending a diabetic child to school without their insulin.  That’s basically what we did.

I’m pretty sure that sealed my place as Mommy of the Year.

Tuesday Night at the Palace Lanes

I never went bowling before I got married, and neither did Hubs.  It was something we decided we just wanted to do together, after we were married.  Of course as soon as the wedding was over we hit the local bowling alley all the time…frame after frame, game after game.

And then we just sorta lost our initial interest in it.  You know how it is, something else comes up and you just don’t feel like heading down to the bowling alley AGAIN.  Maybe tomorrow night. 

I’d always heard that women get a renewed interest in bowling in their 30’s, but I didn’t really believe it would happen to me.  I mean, I was never the girl with my own shoes and ball and bag and stuff.  I just showed up, bowled my game, and went home.  Fun, yes, but no big deal. 

Until now.

A few months ago my friend Vaniqua invited us to join the Tuesday Night Bowling Club.  Now, lest you think there’s some kind of hanky-panky going on, this was simply a vow to bowl every Tuesday night.  I was sort of wishy-washy; I mean, do you really want this kind of thing clogging up the calendar?  But I agreed, mostly due to peer pressure and a vague feeling of competition with my girlfriends.

I came home and told Hubs about it…he was game, of course.  I mean, what man doesn’t like a midweek trip to the local Palace Lanes?  Little did he know…because for the love of all that is good in the world, I suddenly LOVE me some bowling.  I’m begging Hubs to take me for a game every night.  And some mornings.  And let’s not forget the occasional afternoon!  I’ve got  the shoes and the ball and the bag.  I want to play video games in the arcade first, and a round of pool afterwards! 

And I’m bowling 300 every time. 

Nothing to say…

I love y’all.  I really do.  At least a couple of you have contacted me to check on me since I haven’t been blogging.  To be honest, I just don’t feel like I have anything of value to say. 

Sweet Pea is doing very well after some med changes, although I’ve probably just jinxed myself into a night of hell for officially entering that into the blogosphere.

Hubs is dealing with the show the best he can…I imagine it must be very strange to see your wife onstage in the situations that befall me in this show.  It’s not his favorite, that’s for sure, but he’s dealing and I love him for it.

I am trying to be patient until all the theaters in town announce their seasons for next year.  Until then, it’s a waiting game and it’s driving me crazy not knowing what my options are and what my year might look like.  I’m a long-range planner, and right now the plans sort of stop in August.

I have nailed down my schedule for summer.  First we are going to Disney World - My dad is going to meet us there for a couple of days so I’m even more excited than I was before.  Then I’ll be directing four camps; two here in SATX, and two in Houston.  It’s going to be a very rough four weeks, but definitely worth it for the sake of our budget, if you know what I mean.  We are going to send Sweet Pea to spend some time in Colorado Springs with my mom, but we haven’t settled on an appropriate length of time yet.  (Mom wants her for the whole summer; Hubs thinks two weeks is plenty, and I’m somewhere in between.)

I’m reading a fabulous book:  American Wife.  It is a novel based on the life of Laura Bush.  I am LOVING it.  More details once I finish it, but in the meantime, pick it up if you see it in paperback.

Finally, I gave up bitching (sorry Dad!) for Lent, so anything else that has been on my mind or bugging me has sort of had to stay there, lest I break my promise.  It’s been good for Hubs, but hard for me, and harder for the blog.  Nothing like looking forward to Easter so you can be a B again!!  (Kidding, Dad, only kidding!)

So, you see what I mean? 

 BORING. 

Very, very boring.

I think I just put myself to sleep with this blog.  

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Re-entry

You know when you go on a trip and it’s fantastic and wonderful and you don’t want to come back but you have to so you board the plane and the blues set in? 

That’s what it’s like leaving the theater after a weekend of shows. 

I’m an addict, and I love my drug.  And knowing  I have to wait 5 days between hits is some kind of difficult, let me tell you.

Ugh.

Up and Running

Thanks so much for all your well-wishes on Friday.  I somehow managed not to have a total nervous breakdown, and we had a great show to boot!  It only takes about two steps onto the stage for my nerves to totally disappear, but waiting for that moment can be quite intense. 

Saturday night was the comedy of errors:  We had one broken toe, one jammed toe, one backstage fall, one missed lift, and one onstage heart palpitation.  (None of those was mine, thankfully!!)  The only thing that happened to me was that my microphone stopped working.  So I’m onstage in the middle of a pretty emotional scene in the 2nd act and my opposite enters and grabs my hand.  Now normally we aren’t anywhere close to each other for this scene because we’re fighting.  I’m looking at him like “um, you didn’t tell me we were changing this up” and he just keeps holding my hand.  And I would try to pull away, and he wouldn’t let go.  So I just went with it.  It certainly added intensity to the scene:  imagine fighting face-to-face versus being across the room.  Finally he let go and I exited for a split-second before re-entering to sing my big ballad and I hear a stagehand say “your mic’s not on…PROJECT!!!”  I walked back out and sang the song, but instead of crooning like I usually do, I had to belt the darn thing so the audience could hear it.  My girlfriend said she loved it “unplugged” so I guess it worked, but it certainly wasn’t my first choice for that song.  Once I finished the number there were two more stagehands waiting to fix the mic, which is also a little awkward because you basically just take your shirt off and stand there while they work behind your back trying to fix the thing.  Ah well, I lost my modesty long, long ago…

Happily we were off on Sunday so I finally got some rest.  I’ve slept 10 hours each of the past two nights…obviously I’ve got some catching up to do.  I’m looking forward to a nice, easy week.  (Hubs is out of town, so it’s cereal for dinner at Funny Girl’s house!)  Then back to work on Friday for three weekend performances. 

Have a fabulous week, everyone!!

MUAH!!