Fear

I am an optimist, but I am living with alot of fear right now.  When I boil it all down, it’s fear of failure.  Fear that we have failed her, which makes us failures ourselves.  Fear that she will be a failure.

It is so hard for me to be hopeful about our future.  The research is grim.  Teens with ADHD are 2-4 times more likely to have a car accident, twice as likely to have abused alcohol in the last six months, and three times more likely to abuse drugs other than marijuana.  They are 10 times more likely to get pregnant, and 400% more likely to contract an STD. 

You can see why I’m scared.

Compounding the issue, Sweet Pea has a lot more going on than just ADHD.  She has a significant problem with mood regulation, meaning she reacts to and exhibits her emotions inppropriately.  She has also developed almost paralyzing anxiety (which looks like defiance…go figure).  She does not have many friends, because 10 year olds aren’t likely to be oh-so-patient with a kid who is this different.

And then there’s our marriage.  Hubs and I are under immense pressure at home.  The air is toxic and it is hard to breathe.  We are working daily to keep our relationship healthy but it is nearly impossible sometimes.  The research supports this:  Married couples with a child with ADHD are twice as likely to divorce by the time the child is 8 years old than couples who do not have a child with ADHD.  The stress Sweet Pea brings to our home is incalculable.  It’s also highly unpredictable, so disappointment often hits us when we least expect it.  We make a plan, it fails, we feel like failures, we get angry, we yell, we go to our corners and calm down until it starts again.

Those of you who know me and Hubs are probably thinking “but y’all are so great together…you know God has a plan for y’all…if anyone can make it, you can…”

Let me be clear.  It is my opinion that no matter how perfect, no matter how prepared, no matter how supported, no matter how faithful, no matter whatever, we are not equipped to withstand this pressure.  It is a daily battle so painful I can hardly stand it.  I have tied my rope and I’m hanging on, but there’s not much that is helping at this point.  It is like having a child with cancer and the chemo isn’t working.  And then knowing that there’s no end, because the cancer isn’t going to kill her, it’s just going to ravage her life.  Yes, there are moments of hope, moments when the meds seem to be working, but it always rears its ugly head again.  And again.  And again.

I realize that research isn’t everything, and that she could defy the odds.  I have said it before and I’ll say it again.  WHEN God decides to work a miracle, she will get better.  I believe He can do it, and for whatever reason He is choosing not to.  I’m mad, and He knows it.  I still trust Him.  He knows that too.

Until then, it’s back to the foxhole. 

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BTW, if you didn’t watch this clip yesterday, it perfectly describes my battle with fear right now.  The girl is portraying the fearful; the guy is her fear.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po417XoP0O0